Something To Show For It

A while go Tyler Joseph, a man of some importance to me, Tweeted this:

tyjotweet

 

And honestly, as soon as I saw it I kind of felt personally offended by it. I was like “who does this guy think he is? I don’t have to prove myself to him. I don’t have to prove myself to anybody.”

I was, of course, ignoring the fact that this Tweet probably had absolutely nothing to do with me. But that’s besides the point. The reason I felt so personally offended by it, though I didn’t realise it at the time, was because it was exactly what I needed to hear.

For someone that struggles with getting through every day as much as I do, one of the biggest issues I have is that sometimes, simply being here has to be enough.

That’s pretty pathetic. And deeply unhelpful. Because what point is there in living a life that at the end, you have nothing to show for it? Where is the meaning? Where is the purpose? It’s a very frustrating cycle to be trapped in. I want to survive, which in itself is a New and Exiting Thing for me. But recently that’s all I’ve been doing – Just surviving. Just getting by. Sometimes that’s all I feel capable of doing. But it’s so disheartening to fight and work so hard to have nothing to show for it but the breaths I’m taking at the end of the day.

And that’s where I’ve been going wrong. If you don’t put your energy into something that will produce some kind of result, no matter how small, then you’re never going to have the motivation to continue. You will never break out of that cycle.

And so, regardless of what Tyler actually was referring to with that Tweet, he was totally right. Instead of passively sitting here and talking about how important Twenty One Pilots are to me and how they have inspired me to keep going, I needed to do something with that; I needed to take that inspiration and energy and create something with it. Something I could show them, show the world, show myself to say ‘hey, look at this thing I created. This is what I achieved today. This is why it was worth getting out of bed this morning.’

I needed to find something to believe in. Something that was wholly mine and unique to me.

I’m aware that this is pretty basic shit. But I’m not very good at seeing what is right in front of me. And I guess, as is with most of life’s lessons, sometimes you’ve got to take the scenic route.

So that is why I’ve started this blog. I’ve no idea where it will take me, what exactly I’ll end up writing about or how long it will be before I’ve even forgotten this thing exists, but for now I’m going to give it a shot and see what happens. It’s worth trying, right?

One of my biggest problems is that I’ve always wished I did things. Wished I was good at things. Wished I was talented. But I never fucking did anything about it. I never tried, because my fear of failure always meant I convinced myself I’d never be good enough at it before I could even attempt to be.

This is me putting a stop to that. It’s also the reason I went out and bought myself a ukelele yesterday. I’m determined to learn to play, I can only apologise to my flatmates for the musical disaster that is sure to ensue…

But hopefully, after all this, I’ll actually have something to show for it.